Obvious one first: we have our first American President of Colour! I pray that he and his cabinet will have the wisdom needed to lead us, protect us, and govern us through the next four years. We are living in a new day; may God walk closely with us all on this new path.
Secondly - yesterday marks the annual day that I could have had an elder sibling and instead, been the second born in my family, and not the first. My mom miscarried before she had me. I often feel like I don't understand a lot of the ways in which God works and why he allows some things and not others.
Which is the feeling I was left with at the end of the day yesterday, overwhelmingly so, as I laid in bed and watched the clock tick past 3 am...
I don't understand. I don't get it. I don't know. And I don't know what to do.
Not only were there thoughts of how Obama's election would impact my future, but also the future of healthcare, senior housing, my job prospects, what direction I should go with my career life now, stay in the industry I love and have worked so hard in for the past 3 years, or start over in something else, the up-hill battle I'm facing with my former employer to get several thousands of dollars they still owe me from unreimbursed travel, whether a cheque from them would come back with an NSA note, how I will have enough money to move if I need to, whether I should look for any old job and take a dramatic pay cut, or hold out hopes for something more challenging and well-paying, or go back to school, or whether I should stay here or just pack whatever fits in my RAV and drive home?
But most of all last night...mulling a call I received from a dear friend. A call that immediately required some wine to swallow the news with, and a tight grip on my roomie's crystal, to keep from dropping it to the floor...
The words fell from my Blackberry with a piercing heaviness, one by one, leaving me wishing for static interference, a bad connection, something, anything, to let me ask..."wait, what??? did I hear you wrong??? tell me again..."...hoping to hear it a second time, differently.
But no.
There the words were...like sunlight in my eyes, glaring and painfully clear:
cancer...
stage IV...
chemo starting in the next few weeks...
maybe curable, maybe not...
maybe 30 years, maybe 2...
.................
....
..
What do you say?
I was silent. I stared at the wall as I sank into the floor. I stuttered several questions, and lamely said, "don't worry - you'll beat this!" while secretly wondering "is it possible?" And time slowed as memories flooded my mind...and the many questions, and the many scenarios...
I was silent. I stared at the wall as I sank into the floor. I stuttered several questions, and lamely said, "don't worry - you'll beat this!" while secretly wondering "is it possible?" And time slowed as memories flooded my mind...and the many questions, and the many scenarios...
How quickly the coziness of fall turned to a harsh, cold winter in my heart, in just a matter of a day...in the matter of a moment.
How much time is there? What things need to be said? What can be done? What decisions does one make, after being soberly reminded the clock is ticking for all of us - and for some, seemingly faster than we'd ever like?
"We'll live it up, babe. No matter how much time there is. No matter what. We'll LIVE it. I'm your cheerleader."
I heard the words jet out from deep within me, forced out by some kind of welling passion....and immediately wondered why we don't live every day with that kind of forcefulness any way. Why does it take a cancer diagnosis before we seriously grapple with the brevity of our mortal lives? Why does it take staring the end in the face with a dear friend (or perhaps by ourselves) before we feel an urgency to make every moment count, as though it is framed in time - by time itself - as potentially being our last?
How much time is there? What things need to be said? What can be done? What decisions does one make, after being soberly reminded the clock is ticking for all of us - and for some, seemingly faster than we'd ever like?
"We'll live it up, babe. No matter how much time there is. No matter what. We'll LIVE it. I'm your cheerleader."
I heard the words jet out from deep within me, forced out by some kind of welling passion....and immediately wondered why we don't live every day with that kind of forcefulness any way. Why does it take a cancer diagnosis before we seriously grapple with the brevity of our mortal lives? Why does it take staring the end in the face with a dear friend (or perhaps by ourselves) before we feel an urgency to make every moment count, as though it is framed in time - by time itself - as potentially being our last?
The call still echoes for me tonight. I'm sure it will ring in my ears for a while...and that it will keep me jumping at my phone every time it makes a noise...
Babe, I sport the lime green for you: the colour of hope, in the face of Lymphoma.
Kick some cancer-ass, babe. You can do it!!!!
Your compassion and understanding of your friend's condition is inspiring - as a cancer warrior myself, I appreciated the "gentle" reminder that was part of your message - to LIVE fully.
ReplyDeleteYour posting got me to thinking that at times one tends to get so bogged down in the symptoms, the numbers, the pain, the worries, the utter imposing weight of the ramifications of being diagnosed with an incurable cancer, regardless of the age of onset....that it helps to be reminded from time to time that life is to be LIVED through, not wallowed in or hidden from....that each day is a gift to be enjoyed and treasured...
It helped to be reminded that the important thing is to live life fully...after all, each day, we are all one day closer to death, whether sick or not...
Thanks for your comment, Pietro. I really appreciate your words. Hang in there, Pietro. I can't begin to imagine how some days feel for you, but know that you definitely are not alone out there.
ReplyDeleteIf you don't mind saying (or me asking), how long have you been fighting? And what's some of the living you've decided to do, in spite of your fight?